1, 2, 3, 4, 5... High FIVE!

Dear Lil Dumpling,

You will be 5 in few days. One, two, three, four, five! 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5! All those five fingers of your not so little hands. Whichever way I count or how many times I count, it’s the same. 5 years old! Why are you in such a hurry to grow up so fast? Can we slow down a little bit? A wee bit? Pretty please!

I know I say the same thing every year, but its true isn’t it? You rather seem to be in a hurry to grow up and I just want to pause the ticking of clock. At this time of the year your Appa and I can’t help but talk about the time you were born. We recall the day when I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance all alone while your dad followed like a mad man behind the wheels. My well researched and hand typed birth plan which took most part of 7 months was torn to pieces as your dad signed the form for emergency C-section. I was scared at the last minute changes to my perfect pregnancy period as it abruptly came to an end. The fear so powerful that it made me breathless took over as I prayed for the safe delivery of a bub whom I loved more than myself. The doctors and the nurses assured me and told me not to worry, but it was the worry lurking in your dad’s eyes that made me take a deep breath and smile reassuringly at him. But the anticipation of meeting you, the one who moved, rolled, kicked and somersaulted in my belly for all of 9 months and one day was something I have never experienced before.

When we finally met, you were momentarily silent as though you were adjusting to the new world before announcing your presence. As I anxiously strained my neck, the only movable part in my body, to catch a glimpse of you across the blue screen, doctors whisked you to the other end of the room. We waited, your dad and I, holding hands tightly and the next 3 minutes felt like an eternity before you we heard you roar. The surgery, the doctors, the anaesthetic, your dad, and even my own presence dissolved into the background and everything else was forgotten as every fibre of my being was focused on a little bundle wrapped loosely in a soft white blanket as the surgeon brought you to me for a quick peck on your cheek before you were whisked off to neo-natal care. Without my glasses and through the unshed tears all I could see in those 5 seconds was a blurry image of pink faced bub who stole my heart completely. It was not an easy start to your life as you fought fiercely for two weeks before the doctors finally allowed you to leave the plastic box that had become your second womb to keep you safe. The day you came home with us was the best day of our lives and we continue to bask in that warm sunshine you have brought into our lives.

Your father took to being a daddy as soon as he was told that he’s going to be a daddy, and he made the whole business of fatherhood look so cool from the day you were born. While it looked like he had been a daddy all his life, I struggled to for breath when I realised that I had to take care of this tiny bub for the rest of my life. I must confess that the motherhood has not been pretty straightforward and easy as it is portrayed by the world. It’s been a great learning curve for me and I learned one thing at a time just as you learned to smile, roll, push yourself up, sit, stand, walk, jump, skip, run, fall, and get up and walk again! I felt it was my own personal victory when you hit every milestones. As you soared, I soared with you and when you stumbled, I too hit the ground. We both learnt that it’s okay to stumble and fall down. But what is more important is to pick ourselves up and move on. It may have taken a while for me to come to terms with a fact that motherhood is not a temporary post, but a lifelong one. But today after five years of motherhood, I cannot help but feel blessed to have had this opportunity to be a mother to a gentle soul. Although I am not sure if I am a good mother, I have finally come to an understanding that I am not doing too badly either! I know it's you who is the ultimate judge of that, but I do hope that you will agree that i have done some jutice to the role.

The last year was an adventurous roller coaster ride for you, isn’t it? We turned your world upside down by uprooting you from one continent to another one, only to fly back again before you could spread your roots deep down the earth and call it your home! We gave you wings and you soared high without complaining about all the changes and challenges you had to face. ‘Proud’ is a small word to describe what we feel about you and there’s no word in this world that can describe how blessed we feel to have you in our life.

The last year was a year of many beginnings and milestones. It was a year you started your school. I thought you will burst into tears when we left you near school gate, but it was me who ended up crying and blowing my nose quite loudly in front of your teachers! Although you got adjusted in a couple of days, I went on crying throughout the year after dropping you at school. I don’t know if I can ever stop these tears as I don’t think I can let you go ever.

You made few good friends, spent most of the times riding your bicycle, zooming in and out of the house in your scooter, mastered the art of tickling, found great joy in chanting Sanskrit mantras.

You enjoyed spending time in gardens, watering the plants, touching the delicate flowers, searching for centipedes, and running away when you found one only to come back and inspect them from safe distance!

You watched your very first movie on the big screen, went to see the first circus show! But it seemed you preferred gobbling up the big tub of popcorn and buttered sweet corns to the shows!

You enjoyed your time with your cousins, at first letting them to boss over you. It didn’t take you much time to learn to be upper handed when it needed. You loved spending time with them, playing, chasing, rolling on the bed, tickling, getting tickled, and loving them.

You love running. Running as fast as your small feet allows. Running on the grass, running in the hallways, running up the stairs, and sometimes running on the roads which gives me heart attacks! You run as if you can’t wait to discover the things at the other end!

You have become quite competitive. Well, make it a lot! You always aspire to win, never happy with the second place. It means you have to be the first one to rush to bathroom in the morning, first one to brush his teeth, first one to put his shoes on, first one to get into the car and first one to finish his meals! But given a chance, I know you will be quite happy to be the last one to go to bed!

You love animals, especially the cows. You can spend whole day in a barn feeding them, talking to them, telling them stories, touching their foreheads gently, and you even insist on taking your blanket and pillow to sleep next to them!

You love ice creams and you insist you can eat them happily every single day for every meal! Well, I am not surprised! Cashews, cashew sweets, almonds, apples, sweet corn, yogurt, raw onions, cucumber and chocolates also score quite high in your list of favourite things to eat. Chapatti with jam and sugar is the new addition to the list.

Your love for music is as fresh as it was years ago. You are crazy about sitar, santoor, piano and guitars! It was only when you joined the music class and your music teacher said that you are quite natural, we realised that it was not just our parental pride that made us think you having a sweet voice! Few days back when we asked what you want for your birthday, you said chocolate cake. You didn’t say anything when we asked what present you want for your birthday. It was only after 4 days you came back and said you wanted a green coloured microphone. My little music man! We are looking for ‘green’ mic in every shop, real and virtual, but still haven’t found one! I know we are running out of time, but you will get the green mic for your birthday as it is the first thing you have ever asked in your life and we will be really disappointed if we can’t find one for you!

You are 3 feet and 9 inches tall and you weigh 16.8 kgs. You are going to be taller than me before I know it!

Worry is something that has become my second nature since the day you were born. I constantly worry if I am teaching you the right thing, feeding you well, being there for when you need me, helping you when you need the most, and most importantly, I worry if I am helping you to understand the way things work in this world! I worry thinking what will the world do to a gentle, innocent soul like you. But for the most part, I am grateful beyond measure that our lives are so lovely, so ‘ordinarily’ good.

There were days when I find myself in difficult situations when things get quite challenging. There are times when you know to press the button to stress me out with your tantrums and mischief. There were endless tussles and tiffs, bumps and bruises, reflux and infections. We three faced the terrible twos, tormentors threes and fearsome fours. I have agonised over many of the decisions I had to make when it came to discipline. When I say no to you, but I really want to say yes a lot of time. It hurts my feelings to know that I am hurting yours, but my job as your mother is not easy and I have to do what I feel is best for you. I know you may feel that I am being unreasonable and it’s not easy for you to understand them. But trust me that the day will come when you will understand that I had to do these things because I just had to do it for your sake.

I may act cool, collected and sometimes even nonchalant when you fall off your bike, or when you scrape your knees or hurt yourself doing something silly. But far from being cool, deep down inside of me I am complete emotional wreckage and crying myself silly. It takes every ounce of energy to stay calm when you look at me with teary eyes. It takes a lot of will power to stop the tears threatening to flood my cheeks and calm my beating heart as you to pick yourself up, dust off, shrug your shoulders and move on.

I may not always say it because of the fear of making you too vain, but I am always proud of you. I may never over praise you as I don’t want you to stop on the way of learning to improve yourself and wanting more from yourself, but I am always happy with you just the way you are. As the day passes, it makes it harder for me to admit you are growing up way too fast for my liking. The day you learned to walk, I thought that you would need me to walk right behind you to catch you up before you fell. The day you learnt to ride the bike, I expected that you would need me to follow along side of you. But you walked and rode the bike like a seasoned pro and it took me long time to realise that sad thoughts of not being needed were shadowed by the joy I saw in your face!

Even with your new-found independence, there are still reminders that you are just my little boy. The way you like to cuddle me in the mornings, the way you want me to tickle you after bath, the way you like to snuggle up when reading your favourite books, the way my kiss can heal the boo-boos, the way you hold my face and plant a kiss on my mouth, the way you come running to me when you find a spider, the way you find solace in my arms when you are woken by the nightmare, the way you look back to make sure I am following you… You make me feel like a superwoman and supermom! I know that my supermom time is running short with each passing day, but I am too busy living, loving and cherishing these moments to give it a second thought!

You get so excited about simple things that sometimes it makes me pause to think about life and what it really means. Thank you for teaching me to forgive, to love unconditionally, to enjoy simple things in life, to be carefree, to accept failures and to work on them, to help others without expecting anything in return, to live in the moment and to love our imperfections! You have made my life simpler, happier, colourful and worthwhile.

Like every year, your dad and I want to say just one thing. We love you a lot! We love you more than we ever thought we were capable of loving anything or anyone. There are no words in the world to describe how blessed and proud we are of you. You may be another year older, taller and wiser, and you may not need us as much as you did last year. But remember that we, your dad and I, will never stop being there for you no matter what.

Love you always,
Amma

Birthday Letters to Lil Dumpling

1st Birthday
2nd Birthday
3rd Birthday
4th Birthday